desiderata03

Just a dab of procrastination

Thu, 16 Apr 2009 02:19:37 GMT

Six more pages to write and I'm done with this round of papers and midterms. Doesn't sound like a lot to do before Friday, but these prompts are a serious bitch. Oh well, just grinning and bearing it.

Busy day today. Class, then work for four hours, then I had an appointment at the Career Center for Resume and Cover letter advice/revising, then office hours to discuss my research proposal. Had a good BBQ cheesesteak for lunch. Followed that up with a peanut butter with crumbled Oreo frozen yogurt from Blondie's. The cute girl at the counter was hella flirting with me, which I'll be honest, kind of made my day. That and the delicious frozen yogurt. Didn't make anything more of it, but it's okay. I'm slowly working my way there. Would have been a good chance for it though. Hard to go wrong with a fellow peanut butter+chocolate and Office lover.

Oh well, back to my paper. Been eating out a lot. Tasty, but it's starting to add up. La Burrita tomorrow, but that's gonna be free. =] Okay, now really back to my paper.

Meh

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 07:24:50 GMT

Last day of spring break. There's a good amount of stuff on my mind, but none of it is really coming out. The end is finally feeling like it's almost here. Spring break is ending, I enjoyed it, but I feel exhausted. Anxious about the future, the unknown, how things will pan out. Yet eager for the independence, the life waiting ahead.

I don't know how to describe the way everything comes together into one emotion. Meh.

Job Search

Thu, 05 Mar 2009 00:02:24 GMT

Nothing kills the self-esteem like a job search. I've been working my ass off here at college for the last 3 and a half years, and that feels like it's not even close to enough. No internships, research experience, or field related work experience!? No, sorry, I've been too busy working on top of school just to keep my ass out of the poor house. I don't have the time or energy to do extracurriculars or other shit. Fuck this whole work-experience catch-22.

I fucking hate job searching.

I miss...

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 00:53:03 GMT

I miss having someone to talk to. I miss having someone to tell the stupid little events of my day to. I miss having that feeling like someone really cares.

My Last First Day

Wed, 21 Jan 2009 02:28:55 GMT

I'm going to make this short, only because looking at my computer screen for too long gives me a headache and I can already feel one coming on.

Today was my last first day of the semester as an undergrad, and it was a great day for me. Okay, quick preface: I got my haircut yesterday. Back to short hair. I'm not sure if it qualifies as professional enough, but I don't care too much; I plan on getting it cut again before job interviews start, hopefully later in the semester. I'm gonna be keeping it short.

So anyhow, my day actually started off with a rough time getting to sleep and me waking up at 6am from a nightmare. I struggled to get back to sleep, and did so shortly before my alarm went off an hour and a half later. One snooze and then I was up to get ready. I typically have a tough time getting up and going on time in the mornings, but I guess the month's rest and the excitement of a new day was enough for me go be easily on time, even after missing 3 busses in the morning (2 51's inexplicably going back-to-back, and 1 52L). Now that I think about it, today was perhaps surprisingly good given how it started.

Anyhow, I got to work on time where I was warmly welcomed back, and complemented amply on my haircut (overall I got complements on it more than I typically do after haircuts, and more of them were complements (I like the hair, etc) instead of just comments (oh, you cut your hair, and such)). After some time to organize my desk and whatnot, I was introduced to the mail room and delivery routine, since Ricky has 2 weeks off on vacation. Very cool for me, because I've liked the new front desk work I've been given, and this new mail room work seems really chill too. My entire experience at my work has given me faith that even if I end up starting in a shitty job after graduation, given some persistence the job will grow and I'll be happy with what I'm doing.

Work flew by and before I knew it I was in my Geography C160B class, on interpreting and understanding culture based on American city and landscape. It's an interesting topic, and the lecture structure seems really chill. My only real gripe is that the lecture hall is clear across campus from work, so it'll be a hell of a walk for me to do in 10 minutes every Tuesday and Thursday. They over-enrolled the class on accident, so some people will be dropped and my section may be switched. I'd be worried, but I'm a senior Geography major in my final semester who enrolled during Phase I, so I should be essentially guaranteed safety. Plus, if my section gets moved to the Thursday morning class it'll fix my situation nicely if I get into my first choice in Sociology 101B. Anyhow, like I said, the class itself seems cool. A bunch of reading that will be expensive in total, but I'll live.

I had a 90 minute break after that because there's no section the first week. I was going to go get my bus pass (fall semester one expires Sunday) and buy a notebook since I filled my 101A one up last semester, but shit was packed over there, so I went to the advising office to double check that I was on course to be done in May. That ended up being a big waste, because they told me it'd be a 40 minute wait, then 70 minutes later I had to go to 101B without ever seeing someone. Oh well, it should've bothered me a lot more than it did, probably, but really the irritation just slid right off. The fact that I've been enthralled in Four Year Strong's old album, It's Our Time, which I just recently listened to for the first time probably helped.

Anyhow, after that failed attempt I walked into the lecture hall for 101B and after a bit of searching found where Sara was sitting and joined her. I wished her a happy birthday and we talked about our first day so far, and whatnot. Things were chill. Burawoy was cool, as always. Certainly top 5 in terms of professors I've had here at Berkeley. Lecture was hilarious, just like last semester, a very nice thing to have in the one's final lecture of a day. All the information from last year was still pretty fresh in my mind, surprisingly. The hour and a half flew by and before I knew it, I was done for the day. Sara and I walked across campus and talked about whacked out sleeping habits; both the ones we have, and the sleeping schedules we've heard of (the Superman schedule, the 28 hour day XKCD one, etc.) She's in an hour and a half 5pm class, which is obviously a bummer, but if she has any luck getting off the waitlist and into the classes she wants she might be able to get out of it.

After that I was waiting at the bus stop Bridgette surprised me from behind while I had my headphones in, then we chatted for a while since we were both taking the 51. She's in 101B too and is also in my 190 class on the sociology of sacrifice, so just like last semester, she's in all of my soc classes (unless I decide I like the 190 on religion and politics more; I'm currently enrolled in both, but will be dropping one when I make a decision). She introduced me to the friend she was with, Donya, who is also in 101B. Donya and I chatted on the bus after Bridgette had already gotten off. Nothing major, but things were just a lot smoother than they used to be. I can definitely say I'm progressing in the right direction, and that makes me very happy.

Got home around 4:10 pm (!) or so, which feels like a huge deal for me, because in the past I'd commonly be getting home after the sun had already gone most or all of the way down. I could definitely get used to this schedule. 13 units is sweet. Fridays I'm off at 1pm and Wednesdays it'll either be 1 or 2pm, depending on how my sections shake out. And I don't start a single day before 9am as it currently stands, though I may start one at 8, again, depending on sections. That would be because I want/need to work at least 15 or 16 hours a week, and I don't like to work more than 4 hours any one day at work, because there's only so much to get done there in one day, and when work is slow it's painful. I'd rather get up early one day. But that's ok, I shouldn't have too much trouble staying energized, being done so early every day of the week.

This was a hell of a lot longer than I intended to write, but oh well. I'm going to go practice guitar some. I wish my fingers would callous faster. This whole entry, and I didn't even mention the inauguration once, hah.

Post-hangout depression

Sun, 18 Jan 2009 02:11:11 GMT

I don't know if anyone else gets this way, but after hanging out with someone, I usually get depressed. I guess it's just the fact that after hanging out it's that return back to being alone. Sometimes I think if I had my way I'd just spend forever hanging out with certain people. It's not with everyone I hang out with, like if I'm hanging out with Grady and that whole group, I'm fine after hanging out, actually sometimes I get a good feeling then, because I have the freedom do go do whatever I please, rather than whatever the group wants. But I think it's more of a thing with I'm hanging out in less of a group setting where there's more interpersonal conversation and connection going on.

Today Sara came over and we hung out for a few hours. Talked, walked down to the marina, got something to eat, walked back, chatted in my room for a while, I showed her the first episode of Pushing Daisies, then we watched some deleted scenes from The Office, and whatnot. But afterward it was back to the usual hanging out in my room alone. It's kind of odd, because in a more 1-on-1 atmosphere like that interaction sometimes gets to be an energy drain, instead of a rejuvenator like it works for some people, but still, I guess I just like having the company. It's also kind of weird because I enjoy having time to myself plenty. Maybe the way I work I'm just more of a social day or non-social day thing; no in between. Because I know some days there's nothing I'd love more than to just hang out alone, relax, and enjoy the internet, TV, video games, just whatever I happen to feel like.

While talking, Sara mentioned she and her long term boyfriend broke up and got back together over break. I feel like I should have tried probing into that a little more, you know, build up some rapport and establish conversation that went a little bit deeper than books or TV shows or classes and such. But after she mentioned it I commented on something else she said and the conversation went another direction. I felt like it would have been weird if I just re-brought up the topic out of the blue. I know I shouldn't dwell on things like that though, so I'm not going to. If the opportunity brings itself up later I will, if not, not a big deal. Besides, it wouldn't kill me to open up a little bit first anyhow.

Two new roommates here now. Lily and Alicia. No idea if that's the right spelling, but anyhow, Alicia seems very friendly, so that's good news. Lily's kinda cute. I haven't got the chance to talk to her much, but I'm going to make a concerted effort to make friends with these roommates. Hopefully things go well on that front.

In other news....I've been meaning to write my year in review on last.fm for a while now. I'm halfway through, but progress is slow. It's surprisingly long. I think I'm going to go get a haircut tomorrow. I don't know what it is, climate? shampoo? but as soon as I got back into Berkeley it's like my hair decided it wasn't going to behave and be nice anymore like it always seems to do in Sacramento. My money is on the humidity. Whatever.

Lastly, the weird thing about winter break is it's the one time of the year when I get exposure to the radio and popular music culture since it's pretty much the only time I get extended access to a car, so I picked up my latest batch of new music. I've been listening to Katy Perry, Taylor Swift, Kanye West, and the All-American Rejects, that is, Hot N Cold, Love Story, Heartless, and Gives You Hell, respectively. Kinda weird considering Four Year Strong was my other popular musing for the break. Talk about juxtaposition.

And truly lastly, I noticed I used "weird" a lot in this entry, which is kinda weird.

Leaving Sac

Fri, 16 Jan 2009 08:21:55 GMT

It's always a really weird feeling leaving one place and returning to another. I've been bouncing back and forth between college and home for nearly 4 years now and the feeling is pretty much exactly the same now as it was all the way back then. It's less pleasant going from Sac to Berkeley, but really, going both ways produces this feeling. Four years and I still have no idea how to articulate or describe this feeling. I don't know what it is about moving from place to place that even produces this feeling. I'd like to write more on the topic, but I honestly can't put the words together to say anything about it.

I've been thinking about myself a lot lately. A few days ago I hung out with Deborah and we got onto the topic of my social anxiety. We've actually discussed it the last couple times I've seen her, if I'm not mistaken. I didn't try to monopolize the discussion with the topic, but it came up one way or another. Discussing things with her typically does produce something new for me to think about and mull over. We talked about how I'm "perfect", her words, certainly not mine, and then natural abilities and other such stuff. Initially I left the conversation transfixed on something she referenced, she thinks from a Weezer song or something of the sort, that went something like 'smart but in all the wrong ways'. It hit me hard, but I couldn't figure out why. Honestly, I came close to breaking down then and there, which would have been the first time in a long time. Anyhow, on the drive home from her place I thought and I thought about that line, trying to figure out if it was saying something very useful that hadn't crossed my mind before, or if it was saying something I already knew (that we're all born with different capabilities and deficiencies, valued differently by society), in a different way, and in a needlessly negative manner. I concluded in the end that it was actually the latter, but my strong reaction to the line, regardless of its irrelevance in content helped me shed light on a different part of me.

Truth is, I don't take criticism very well, be it a little thing I screwed up at work, a personal flaw someone calls me out on, or whatever. I get this strong miserable, sinking feeling that envelops me for a certain amount of time, often far longer and stronger than I imagine most people feel. In a way I suppose it's like a quest for perfection. I've never really thought of myself as a perfectionist, but in a personal way, I think I may be. While I may be realistic: I know and can accept the fact that I'm going to screw up in life, that's inevitable for everyone, I also react excessively internally when someone else acknowledges my shortcomings. Such a reaction isn't entirely a bad thing; I think it's attributable for the way in which I treat other people and also in the way I conduct myself in situations that may have an impact on other people. Hell, based on what I feel has become a moderately strong understanding of basic psychology, it's not unreasonable to think that my entire philosophical outlook has been built around this attribute. But in writing this here right now, I've come to think this could have certain implications that may be working against my basic desires. Such a strong drive to be perfect may result in one not even trying in some aspects, for fear that they're going to fall short of perfection, and this effect could be emphasized in areas where one already isn't particularly talented, such as socializing in my case. At this point I'm thinking aloud, so to speak. This is stuff I still need to mull over. But it seems plausible, and a decent explanation, at least in part. But hell, I haven't even gotten to the other part of this whole perfection conundrum that I wanted to get to; that is, this drive for perfection may be out of feelings that since I'm not very good at making friends, I NEED to be perfect. I mean, I could be an asshole, but who wants to be friends with an asshole that's just going to look out for his own interests and throw you under the bus when it's in their best interest? No one, and with my track record with meeting people and whatnot, I need all of the help I can get. It's a logical interpretation of the situation, I think, though I've just realized that I've just constructed a sort of loop. A lack of friends > perfectionist tendencies > fear to try in areas where I can't be perfect ie. the social arena > a lack of friends > etc. In this case, I suppose it makes more sense in terms of a reinforcing agent, and less as a primary driving force. I could come up with a handful of ideas for initial forces though. Basic genetic personal tendency? Poor development of social skills? etc.

Another thing, that actually didn't cross my mind much before speaking to a counselor at the University Health Services center, was that it could be coming from a fear of rejection. The way she put it, was like there was this little boy inside of me that was fragile and whatnot, so I felt compelled to protect him and so on. I personally don't care much for the metaphor, but the concept itself might be more applicable than my initial thoughts suggested. Because really, I am absolutely terrified of rejection. You know what my instinctual reaction is when I like a girl? Don't let her know, sit on the other side of the room or wherever I would logically sit regardless of whatever emotions I actually feel, don't do anything to tip her off to think I might like her. It's utterly useless in terms of trying to get a girl. But I think I have this as a reaction based on my fear of rejection. If she has no idea that I like her, then there is no way she can possibly reject me. I think building on this is a mentality from when I was younger that I'm the weird nerdy kid no girls are attracted to, but rather think are creepy or icky or whatever, and would much sooner laugh in a guy like me's face, become incredibly uncomfortable while wholly disinterested, or just completely shoot me down if asked out or anything of the sort. I guess this is coming from jr. high, among other places. That's who I was. Logical, third party, and other observation of myself now might suggest otherwise, but old mentalities are a hard thing to shake. Hell, last semester in one of my classes I initially thought, "that girl is definitely the most attractive girl in this class," and by the end of the semester we were friends and talked every day after class, and so on. A few of the other strong acquaintances I've made in the last year in Berkeley have been with what would probably objectively be considered the more attractive or perhaps popular people in my classes, if such groups are still applicable in college. So maybe I've grown out of that old shell more than I've realized. I've really taken to the Bayside line from Boy, "Learn to drown before you learn to swim," and I wasn't really sure why so much at first, but I think it's because I know it's the mentality I'll likely need to take to get over this.

There is plenty more I could write about, but it's much later than I wanted to be up. I need sleep so I can be ready for tomorrow. As I previously mentioned, Deborah and I have discussed this topic to some degree in the recent past. It can prove to be a difficult thing to articulate, especially for someone with said social anxiety, and I don't feel like I've done a very good job in our discussions. I think one of these nights when I have the time and the motivation I'm going to sit down and write everything out as best as I can and email it to her. Since she and I are so drastically different socially, she's interested in my inner workings, and I'd like to do a better job of articulating it to her. In other news, I'd like to start talking to her more again. It's probably for the best if we're not quite as close (mutually clingy?) as we've been in the past, but we get along far too well to speak so infrequently with each other. Also, topics for the next post potentially: inebriation for social and experimental reasons, clinginess possibly as a rationalization or legitimate, potentially overthinking/analyzing things too much?

Infrequency Ahoy

Wed, 07 Jan 2009 10:56:49 GMT

I think the thing that I like most about Sacramento is that I can see the stars at night. It's weird, I suppose, but for whatever reason it's a nice feeling to get out of the car at night and be able to look up and see all of those stars up there. In the bay area all you get is light pollution. It's so sad. The stars make me miss Kevin and Deborah. Lying awake at night outside and just staring up at the stars during conversation is one of my favorite activities.

I've been having second thoughts about moving back to Sacramento after graduation, but really, I don't know where else I'd want to go. Just a couple weeks in Sac and I'm already fairly bored of the place. Been hanging out with Grady and co. a ton over break, but after a certain point it just wears. I've always been one to value my personal time. I don't know if this makes sense in context of a friendship, but sometimes Grady just seems a bit clingy or needy. I don't know, I know he misses me and we didn't see each other all that much last semester, but I'm the sort to feel like moderation is key. I suppose if I were working full time here things would be a bit different, but still, I'm just feeling doubtful about it. Another thing is that I finally feel like I'm starting to gain ground on the friend front in Berkeley. I chatted with Sara on the phone a week or so ago and it sounds like if things go as planned we'll hang out before classes start. That's the sort of progress I'm talking about; the sort of thing I doubt I'll be doing if I'm in Sacramento with friends I already know around. It's going to give me an excuse to not branch out and grow, like I know I need to. It's just something I'm going to need to do to be with happy with myself. Being on my own feels like the thing that will encourage my growth the most. I know Deborah wants me to move back to Sacramento too, but right now I'm feeling like this break is indicating things are going to be the same as they've been for a while now. I don't know what's up with her, but if she doesn't feel like disclosing then I'm not going to bother digging. Whatever.

I've been making good headway in cleaning my room here at home out the last couple days. It's kind of weird, especially for someone like me who attaches a lot of sentimental value to objects. Digging through things there are all sorts of fond memories from my childhood getting stirred up; it's hard for me to part ways with anything. But logistically it's just not practical to hold onto it all. So I'm gonna try to sell, else just donate, a good amount of stuff. I'm probably going to be keeping 2, maybe 3 modest boxes of stuff, and everything else in the room will be gone. I know I'm 21 and all, but this process of ousting my childhood objects in preparation for getting my own place with my own career and all of that is what's really making me feel like an adult.

Another weird thing is that this is effectively my last real break. I'll have a 1 week spring break in a couple of months, but people taking 1 week vacations off of work aren't all that uncommon. Having an entire month off though, well, it's just weird thinking this could be the last time I'll have that for decades. Who knows though, right?

Despite the New Years Eve event I was hosting, the reality of the fact that it was becoming 2009 didn't hit me right away. It's just weird. For the last few years 2009 has just hung over my head as this abstract number of a year off in the distance when I'll be graduating and moving onto real life outside of school. But now it's here. It's just sort of weird, y'know? It's always just felt so far away. But all of the sudden the future is now. Guess it's all got to come some time.

I came across an interesting site the other day. http://www.exitmundi.nl/exitmundi.htm It's all interesting stuff and whatnot, but what I'm specifically talking about that blew my mind is the section labeled "Eternity" within the Space section. I'm still sorting out my thoughts on the matter. I'm not entirely sure I buy the theory based on what I know of entropy and quantum fluctuations, but even just considering the possibility is fucking mind blowing. I'll need to continue mulling it over.

Another thing I've been bouncing around in my head the last few months has been determinism. I suppose my thoughts on that matter began to form...sophomore year in that seminar I was taking on the concept of time. I mentally stumbled upon what turns out to be called Laplace's Demon. I've bounced back and forth on where I stand with regard to the manner, but I feel like I'm making progress in coming to a stable standing point. Whether or not I'll ever actually end up sitting firmly on one side or the other I don't know. Logically I think it makes a lot of sense. However, there are also theories of things in physics that disagree with the concept. I'm not wholly convinced on a number of quantum mechanics theories involved in disproving Laplace's Demon though, so who knows. Any way I can come up with to cut it though, the one implication that I'm left with is the lack of the existence of free will, which of course drags in all sorts of other implications. The tough part then becomes that while logically and physically this makes sense, it disagrees completely with my perception (which I'm willing to readily admit could be completely false) and (this is where things get sticky for me) that it completely disagrees with my personal philosophy and message I choose to espouse. I'm still working on it.

Well, that's a long entry. Time for bed.

A return? We'll see if this sticks

Tue, 02 Dec 2008 08:50:50 GMT

Well, it's been well over a year since I've been here. It took a second for me to figure out how to post one of these again.

You, the hypothetical reader, are probably curious why I've come back. I was thinking today, in truth, about why it's so hard for me to maintain conversation. I've never had much luck trying to objectively analyze social activity, but I've guess I've had a little more success in introspection, so I'm hoping my current conclusions have some merit to them.

But I digress. I was thinking back to a long time ago, when I seemed to have some luck in the conversation department (albeit, perhaps just within narrow scope). One of the things that struck me was how making entries here and conversing on a regular basis had me thinking about my day in a different way. The best way I can describe it would have to be in computer terms: it was almost like I indexed all of the stupid yet interesting little things that happened or crossed my mind for the purpose of searching and recalling them when called on. Because as far as I can tell, I lack just as much of a life now as I did back then. So I'm back, perhaps.

I'm doubtful if anyone reads this anymore, given it's been dormant for so long. To be perfectly honest though, I'm fine with that. I plan on writing this with the assumption that no one is reading this. That is for the purpose of ensuring the most honest writing - or perhaps to put it more accurately, to ensure the most honest emotions get expressed. Having said that, I don't really want to know if anyone is reading this. That doesn't mean if the desire to leave a comment strikes you, you can't share it (by all means, feel free to), but I'm going to presume you're not reading and have not read anything else, for the reasons already mentioned.

Now that I've gotten that all out of the way; today in Social Theory section (Soc 101A) I realized that 867-5309 follows a very distinct upwards-right pattern on the phone. Look at your phone and pretend to dial it to see for yourself. Oh the wonders of not paying attention.

I also joined Twitter (today) and StumbleUpon (last Wednesday). I joined Twitter today because on Saturday Deborah mentioned that she was on it, which brought back into my memory of what the website actually was, which I then realized it was basically just like Facebook Status Updates minus all of the other stuff on Facebook, which interested me, since updating my status is 90% of what I do on Facebook anyhow. So like I said, I joined, shortly thereafter realizing I know next to nobody on it, as far as I'm aware. Maybe I'll pointlessly whore out my info on Facebook to find out if anyone else has it, or maybe I'll just forget it. I joined StumbleUpon on Wednesday, and I'm in a somewhat similar situation. Although I know Grady, Kris, Joe, Dani, etc. are all on it, so if I ever bother to track them down on it there will at least be a little bit of purpose to it. Or maybe I'll just forget it like Twitter.

Bleh, that's a lot of text. For most of today after my iPod battery died, I had the Kimya Dawson, Loose Lips chorus stuck in my head on a loop.

We won't stop until somebody calls the cops,
And even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.

We won't stop until somebody calls the cops,
And even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.

We won't stop until somebody calls the cops,
And even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.

We won't stop until somebody calls the cops,
And even then we'll start again and just pretend that nothing ever happened.

Normally that'd get annoying, but it actually didn't at all. (Kimya Dawson - So Nice So Smart is really good also.) I watched Juno again on Saturday, so that's why I've been an indie-fuck wannabe, listening to the soundtrack again recently. Shit's really interesting and catchy.

I spent too much of tonight editing, prepping, and burning episodes of Lost to blank DVD. I bought 100 discs for $20 on Black Friday and plan to burn all of last year's Lost, Scrubs, and The Office seasons to free up space and eliminate the need for me to buy their legit DVDs.

Ugh, fuck, I got assigned another essay today, out of the blue, no warning. Great. Midterm tomorrow, essay due Wednesday, a term project presentation the 9th, an essay due and an in-class final the 13th, then 2 take-home finals (5 essays there total) and one in-class final on the 16th. Ugh. I'm going to blow my brains out. Plans for late May post-graduation include a ceremonial burning of all of my printed essays. I'm so fucking sick of writing. Impending real life would be a lot more appealing if it weren't so unsettling and undetermined though.

Also, my legs are really sore, and I haven't the slightest idea why. Maybe it's because it's so cold out. I need sleep.

We Sleep to Burn the Red from our Bloodless Lives

Tue, 13 Feb 2007 06:02:06 GMT

So in between my physics paper I just finished and my soc paper that I'm about to start something motivated me to look up Jet Black New Year by Thursday. I've been sporadically looking up songs a bit lately.

I came across this and probably needless to say I had to wipe my eyes at the end. Then I listened to the song and two particular lines hit me which I hadn't yet connected. Here's the story I came across:

When the crowd parted for the paramedics, we already knew it wasn't necessary. The street was painted a purple-red with that boy's blood. On impact, his body had folded on itself; he looked like he was praying to the mailbox. The air was turning the blood on the sidewalk rust brown, but in his hair it stayed a dark red. It seemed to get redder with every flash of the newspaperman's camera. I took the train back to New Jersey where my girlfriend and I were going to a New Year's Eve party.
"I'm having the worst day, what a way to end the year," she shouted in my ear as the faces flashed by in the strobe light and the floorboards shook with music. "I lost my purse and someone spilled red wine all over me." The sight of the wine in the dark made my mouth water and every pulse of the strobe was the eye of the photographer's camera.
"At least I've got you," she winked. I bit down on my lip and the afternoon flooded into my blood like an IV drip: the crowd's bland faces; reporters searching for the parents; the steam drifting from the young boy's broken mouth; the pair of sneakers tangled in the power lines hanging like a forgotten mistletoe.
"Hey, where are you?" She pleaded. But I was right there. The blood was soaking into my untied shoelace as we watched the ambulance pull up. I was right there: The calm voices of the paramedics made the temperature drop twenty degrees. I was right there: They zipped up the black bag and I couldn't breathe.
"You better not be in another one of your moods. Not tonight."
I tried to listen, but I couldn't resist the pull of the breathing open window. I saw myself running to it and lunging straight through it. I felt like I was suffocating in a zipped-up black bag.
"I'm not going to do it. I'm not going to deal with you ignoring me this year. That's my resolution! Good bye."
I had to lock myself in the bathroom to stop myself from jumping out the window. In the mirror, my dirty blond hair was tinged red. I tried closing my eyes but when I looked in the mirror my hair was saturated, a thick crimson. The New Year cheers sounded like screams through the door and I swore that I'd never let myself care about anything else ever again. The next morning the paper said that a boy had fallen out of an unlocked window in his parent's apartment in New York. I dyed my hair the darkest black I could find. A black so dark it could cover the deepest blood red and suffocate the brightest halo. -Geoff

Thursday - Jet Black New Year lyrics

Seven windows and six of them were locked
Five stories falling

Thu, 08 Feb 2007 07:45:16 GMT

What's your deal?
What?
Why are you following me?
I don't even know you.
Did you talk to Paul?
Who the hell is Paul?

Today I had a stats quiz and I finished 20 minutes early, so I took advantage of the rare free time to pick something up to eat. So I was minding my own business and eating a quick lunch while listening to my iPod when this girl comes up to me accusing me of following her. I've got no clue what her problem is but she's definitely got one. It occurred to me after she walked off, defeated, that if I wasn't still busy eating it would have been funny to get up and start following her after she had started to walk away. Oh well. It was definitely one of the most interesting experiences I've had in a while.

There was a new Lost tonight. It was good, but I was slightly disappointed with it. Then again, I remember feeling the same with the first episode of this season, so I have no doubt it will pick up again very soon.

I was on the phone with my mom earlier tonight and there was talk of coming home this weekend, but I don't know yet. If not, then the weekend of the 24th for sure.

I've got no idea why I decided to make this entry; I've still got so much homework to do, but I did, so oh well.

Warped 07

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 20:34:09 GMT

http://warpedtour.com/warpedtour/concert.asp

This year's Warped Tour schedule is hella out of whack.
Starts in California and then comes back in the end.
I'm going to try to go twice. :)

PS!
If Grady and I ever get arrested and interviewed for national news, this is EXACTLY how it is going to go. -LINK-

I don't think this is me.

Sat, 03 Feb 2007 03:14:44 GMT

Switchfoot's newest album is really good. I've been listening to it all day. It's like Bright Eyes meets something really fucking catchy. I love it.

I haven't been updating much lately (relatively), but to be fair, I've been really busy with school and work. Sixteen and a half units plus sixteen hours a week is a lot and I've never done more than that in either category at the same time. I know I can handle it though.

There wasn't much of a point of this entry other than to announce the greatness of Oh! Gravity and just to update. Isn't that the best reason to do anything though? Just because.

THIS WILL BE THE DEATH OF MY PRODUCTIVITY

Tue, 30 Jan 2007 06:30:11 GMT

This is so amazing it literally brought me to tears.

At 6:00 in the afternoon I got home, checked my usual internet sites, started looking for an article for my physics homework, briefly looked for something to entertain me for a couple minutes and then spent the next four uninterrupted hours reading on Wikipedia.

I what I came across was an incredibly extensive list of unusual articles on Wikipedia. Four continuous hours of reading (sometimes going as far as 5 or more links deep) and I still have yet to cover even probably 1/4 of the material. Initially I was planning on posting some of the most interesting things I've learned (ie. giant squid have penises 3 feet in length and eyes 1 foot in diameter; "Buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo buffalo buffalo Buffalo buffalo." is a grammatically correct sentence, vibrators were a medical invention to treat hysteria [hysteria derived from the Greek for uterus]; as well as a billion other things) but I quickly realized that I was learning FAR too much to be even remotely recalled here in any sort of a relatively timely manner. The point is, this is fucking AMAZING and I urge everyone to ~~waste~~ spend hours upon hours of their life here.

All I know is, give me Wikipedia and something I'm supposed to be doing, and I could keep myself occupied for weeks if not months or years. I guess it's an unquenchable thirst for knowledge mixed with a dash of procrastination fueling something comparable to a body afflicted with the Wick Effect (yet another thing I've learned so much about). Dear God, I'm in love.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_unusual_articles

-Sesson 9-

Mon, 29 Jan 2007 09:02:23 GMT

As some of you may have noticed, I've now missed a couple days in my attempt to post every day or whatever. Is he losing it? No, I've just kind of realized posting every day is not important. The reason I decided I wanted to do this was because I wanted to get better at writing, and hey I can express odd and interesting thoughts I've had throughout the day.

Like I said, posting every day isn't important, quality writing is, so I'm no longer going to be posting every day, but rather when I have the material (not so much of a problem) and the time (a little more of a problem) to make the actual entries I'd like to make, as opposed to the filler of accounts of my day. This has nothing to do with anything other than the fact that I realized I had lost sight of what was important to me.

But what really motivated to make this entry right now?

Today's Google Quote of the Day is from author Chuck Palahniuk. :)
"It's not living alone if you keep a rifle under the bed."

2-1 // Bad Wobot!

Sun, 28 Jan 2007 06:28:00 GMT

Jesus H Christ.
Not sure where the H comes from, I'll just say it's for Hernanado.

But that's aside from the point. Season 3 of Lost picks up again in a week and a half and I decided it would be good if I studied up to get ready for its return, so I've gone to abc.com and started watching the earlier episodes from the end of last year.

I had almost forgotten how damn incredible the show is.
Yesterday one of Brett's friends from back home came by to go hang out with him, but while Brett was getting ready we started talking about the show because he had just started watching it. He watched all of the first two seasons in like, just a week or something and then caught up on season 3 online. Basically we were like schoolgirls getting to meet the Backstreet Boys. Hah, well okay, maybe not, but you know, we were gushing about the show or whatever. It was really funny, because just looking at him you would probably never guess he watches the show. I thought it was really cool.

Anyways, yeah, I missed a post yesterday. Oh well, being too occupied to make a post before midnight on a Friday isn't the worst thing that's happened to me.

New episodes of Lost begin FEBRUARY 7TH. Mark it on your calendar. I know I already have.

1-11 // LMFAO

Fri, 26 Jan 2007 07:17:58 GMT

NBC Thursday nights are greatest thing in the world. My Name is Earl, Scrubs, 30 Rock, and lots of The Office. How was I somehow not aware of this? That was the most hilarious 2 hours of TV I've watched in longer than I can remember.

It was the first time I had ever seen 30 Rock, but damn, that is a good show. I'm defiitely gonna try to watch Thursday nights more often when I can manage.

In other news, I finally got a chance to play Final Fantasy III. I bought it Sunday morning, so yeah, that goes to show you just how busy school work has kept me.

Sometimes I'll start writing entries about things much more interesting, but I lose my conviction before I finish it, so I scrap the entry altogether. That happened tonight, so this is all you get.

1-10 // Oh Gravity, Why Can't We Seem to Keep it Together?

Thu, 25 Jan 2007 07:53:08 GMT

So I just downloaded a whole bunch of new music I was planning on buying...whoops.

The Fray - How To Save a Life
Switchfoot - Oh! Gravity
The Killers - Sam's Town
Panic! At the Disco - A Fever You Can't Sweat Out
Fear Before the March of Flames - Odd How People Shake
Fear Before the March of Flames - Art Damage
Fear Before the March of Flames - The Always Open Mouth

There might have been another one in there, but it was kind of a lot and I lost track.

Anyways, I was meaning for a longer update, but I've still got physics and sociology reading to do.

In other news, I don't think time exists.

1-9 // If I Killed then I Apologize. Yeah, I'm Feeling a Bit Sorry...

Wed, 24 Jan 2007 07:43:17 GMT

I'm doing math homework right now. The thing is, I'm loving it. It's so zen. Plus, I can listen to music while doing it. This is my first math homework in probably three quarters of a year. I've missed my old friend. It's so much simpler than all that subjective mumbo-jumbo. You're either right or wrong. There's only one way to do things. No grey area. And so much easier (this stuff anyways). It almost makes me wonder what could have been.

While math homework has got me nostalgic for the "good ol' days" I decided to throw on even more nostalgia, because I felt like listening to the Warped Tour Compilation from '04. Good times. I'm looking forward to having math homework again. Lord knows I've done enough reading the last 9 months.

1-8 // Liver & Onions!?

Tue, 23 Jan 2007 07:06:16 GMT

Yesterday in the shower I was thinking about the people who make cartoons. I was thinking about back when I was little I'd always tell myself when I grow up I wanted to do something like that; make cartoons or something kid oriented. I would never forsake my juvenile ways.

I remember growing up every Saturday morning meant cartoons, cartoons, cartoons. And every so often in the fall ABC's cartoon lineup would be cut an hour short to make room for some big time college football game. This hour of missed cartoons was always an outrage for me. How dare they not show one of my favorite shows; some relatively educational program that took place in a courtroom which I now only vaguely remember!? Who cares about stupid college football? No one, that's who. And I'd swear to myself that when I grew up that if I ever got any say in things the cartoons would come first.

Needless to say, I've grown up since elementary school and now college football may very well be my favorite part of Saturdays in the fall. And I never watch Saturday morning cartoons anymore. My idea of a perfect Saturday morning involves nothing more than sleep; something I could never understand as a child.

So I was thinking about the people that make cartoons for a living. Writing for an age group 12 and under. Programs where the big message in the end is, don't judge food without trying it; it could be the best thing you've ever had. If I ever had the chance to produce a cinematic piece of work, I certainly wouldn't use my opportunity on delivering some basic life message to an 8 year old; I'd try to make something powerful and touching like Million Dollar Baby. I guess the people who decide to make cartoons are a different breed. They're the funny, goofy, happy-go-lucky people who've never quite grown up, always a youthful kid on the inside. Perhaps that's something to envy. I just thought it interesting to think about, because it's not the kind of thing I could ever see myself doing or really wanting to do for my life.

I also found it interesting though, that after reflecting on this line of thought I couldn't help but think of Grady. I suppose because he's a senior in high school and almost a legal adult, but I still can't see him ever really being the conventional "grown up". I know he wants to major in computer science (if not psychology) and I'm sure he'd like to do video games if at all possible. Who knows? Maybe that could be a key ingredient in his success in the area.

-----
Additionally, reading homework for all of you 'cause I found them interesting in an "Oh my God" and a "Holy shit!" way respectively.
Woman dies of water intoxication in 107.9 The End (Sacramento radio station) contest for Wii | Data stored on a single photon

1-7 // Manning's Cyanide and Happiness

Mon, 22 Jan 2007 03:39:42 GMT

Oh man, tonight's AFC championship game was so good. It was the largest comeback in a championship game ever. Congrats to Payton Manning on making it to his first Super Bowl after so many years of people saying he couldn't perform in the playoffs. Colts v. Bears in Miami two weeks from now, baby.

Lovie Smith and Tony Dungy are the first two African-American head coaches to ever reach the Super Bowl. Now there'll be a showdown to determine the first winner. I thought that was an interesting story line. They're close friends too, so I think it's really cool they get to play each other.

In other news, I found a new web comic today. Helllla reminds me of Adam.

Cyanide & Happiness @ Explosm.net

Some of my favorites so far: 1 | 2 | 3 | 4

1-6 // Combating Inflation

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 20:00:28 GMT

I think I'm going to stop posting everyday. No, I'm not quitting so soon, I think I'm just going to start doing it privately with the exception of when I feel something's especially worthy of being publicly posted. My reasoning being I don't want my entries to go from being, "Hey! Dylan's posted an entry!" to, "Oh look, another entry from him; woo [/no enthusiasm]." That seems to be a principle of how things tend to work.

1-5 // Friday Update

Sat, 20 Jan 2007 03:15:02 GMT

I'd forgot how exhausting a week in Berkeley can be; even if this was just a 4 day week. The loss of 1 pint of blood right now makes up for that.

Anyways, today I:
-Worked this morning
-Got a late happy holidays card from my work, with $20
-Attended day 2 of my MWF classes; I'm starting to warm up to the ones I had my doubts about
-Finished buying all my books, readers, and crap
-Got my class pass for free public transportation
-Bought Stay on DVD, since after all, I did just get $20
-Donated blood (time number 5, woo!)

No this isn't much of an entry, but I'm feeling kinda tired, so I wasn't planning on too much anyways.

1-4 // My Mind is a Sperm Dumpster

Fri, 19 Jan 2007 00:51:27 GMT

I love thinking about space and time and existence and fate and destiny. It's like your mind is imploding, exploding, and being raped all at the same time.

I'm enrolled in a sophomore seminar on "The Nature of Time". Today we had our first meeting. Now my old thoughts on fate are fucked. Back to the drawing board. I'm looking forward to many of my prior conceptions to likewise be viciously murdered and turned inside out. I love this class.

-~-~-
In other news, congress wastes a bunch of time on nothing important whatsoever.
STORY

I'm just wondering, why the hell are they throwing away their time on pointless crap like this when there's so many things fucked up in this country that desperately need to be addressed?

That is all for now. See you tomorrow.

1-3 // Professor Rundown

Thu, 18 Jan 2007 03:58:03 GMT

An update a day isn't too bad. I'm sure not at a loss for topics. Not yet, at least. I'm not having trouble coming up with 4 or 5 topics I could do a day. If anything's going to kill it, it's going to be my boredom with continuing it. Or you know, the workload for my 5 classes totaling 16.5 units.

Today I had my lectures for Sociology, Statistics, and Geography; back-to-back-to-back in a three hour block. That means I've now had lecture for all of my main classes and with the interesting grab-bag of teachers I ended up with, I thought a rundown of the four of them in total would be in the cards.

Physics - Rich Muller Okay, so it's only been one day, but I think Prof. Muller should come in an easy third in the best teachers I've had in my college career thus far, just behind Prof. Filippenko of Astro frosh year and Prof. Rhew of Geography last semester. He's got a good sense of humor, and in my experience, that's one of the most important aspects in separating the great teachers from the good ones.

Sociology - Kristen Luker She seems alright, but really nothing special. She kinda reminds me of Prof. Hilden whom I had last semester for Ethnic studies, which isn't really a good thing.

Statistics - Roger Purves He seems like a nice guy, but I keep expecting him to exclaim "Pygmies!" at any given moment. He's very much a math teacher (if you've had more than one semester of college with at least a couple math classes, you know what I mean). I'm kinda excited about taking this class, perhaps because ALL of my classes last semester were in the social sciences. Despite what went down in Math 1B, I still have a thing for math. PS- he opened with letting us know his last name rhymes with nervous, not curves. Professor Purves FTW.

Geography - Cary Karacas I've gone from high expectations to hoping this class doesn't suck. He's really young (he just got his PhD in May and this is his first time teaching a class). Maybe he doesn't really have a stick up his ass and he's just overcompensating for being so young, but he's way too serious and way too formal. We'll see how it goes, I guess. I'm not overly concerned because it's still Geography, but his style is definitely not mine. Oh, and in a course-wide e-mail he mentioned to never use "Hey" at the start of an e-mail; formal salutations only. WTF?